"HE'S NOT GETTING ANY"

So reads the headline, in huge white block letters, on the cover of today's RedEye. In slightly smaller type, though still in white block letters, it says "SHE'S NOT EITHER." And in smaller white type at the bottom of the page: "And chances are, neither are you. New sex stats are out--and Chicago is one frigid city."

I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that so many of my fellow Chicagoans also aren't getting any, though I doubt most of them have spent as much time on the windswept plains of the planet Dune as I have (12 years and counting).

But I don't.